photo by Vlado at freedigitalphotos.net
Given today’s twisted, anti-Christian, topsy-turvy notions of right and wrong, especially in child-rearing, where it’s supposedly “wrong” to spank your children because it could make them “violent,” yet seemingly a higher percentage of kids than ever before are growing up dysfunctional, rebellious, uncontrollable, drug-addicted, violent and, in some cases, downright murderous, Christian parents who Biblically discipline their children are quickly becoming outside the norm. All too real is the fear of being accused of “child abuse” by ninnys who would prefer the State raise children so they can turn them into uncontrollable little monsters, albeit perfectly suited to a career in bureaucracy or on a SWAT team raiding an organic dairy farm somewhere.
Regardless of what the world may think, we believe the Bible teaches corporal punishment and, despite the fact that children of every generation have probably been accused of being more wayward than their predecessors (as evidenced by our grandparents being quite upset at our parents’ odd taste for drive-ins and that newfangled “bee-bop” music), we believe that today’s crop of children, due to a lack of discipline, are growing up especially and uniquely dysfunctional in almost every possible way. As far as society has declined, I shudder to think what we will become when they rule.
That said, it’s up to us as Christians to be the instruments of Christ’s Dominion over the part of the earth He has given us, starting with our own families. It is our Christian duty and responsibility to raise our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Fortunately, the Bible has given us several specific principles and instructions regarding this. Let’s start with those:
“He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.” Proverbs 13:24
“Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.” Proverbs 22:15
“The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.” Proverbs 29:15
First of all, I want to make it very clear that Proverbs are principles that are generally true, not necessarily commands, and may not be applicable in every situation. If you have chosen not to spank your children, we are not judging you as a parent. It’s not our place! Every child is different, and maybe some children don’t respond to spanking at all but do respond to other forms of discipline. The main point here is you must firmly, decisively, and consistently discipline your children. If spanking isn’t for you or your child, fine, but please remember that if you try to condemn those who do you are also condemning clear Biblical teaching, which definitively defines corporal punishment, administered in love, as legitimate and effective.
Should you choose to spank your children, here are some principles to follow:
1.) Bottoms are for spanking – You might think that bottoms are for sitting or going potty, but really, God made a spot, unique to all the other spots on a child’s body, with plenty of “padding” so that parents could lovingly apply the board of education to the seat of instruction. This should go without saying, but parents should never, ever, physically discipline a child in the face, arms, or any other part of the body (duh, right?!).
2.) Don’t use your hand – Hands are for holding. Hands are for hugging. Hands are for high-fives when they score a basket. In our opinion, children should never associate a parent’s hand with pain. Instead, use a paddle, wooden spoon, belt, or other appropriate inanimate object.
no, not like this!
3.) Start young – How young you start is up to you (some Christian resources say light corporal punishment can be understood by the child at around one year), but until a child reaches some magical point between ages 3 and 4 (it’s different for every one), rationalizing, grounding, threatening, and begging don’t seem to work, but spanking does. In fact, properly administered corporal punishment can truly be the only thing that keeps your child from being a complete and utter terror to you and those around you.
4.) Never spank in anger – If you are angry, send the child to his room and spend some time in prayer and contemplation. If possible, discuss the situation with your spouse. The main thing is, do not take any disciplinary action until you are calm and thinking straight.
5.) Spanking should be rare – This will vary, of course, depending on the age and individual will of the child. As a general principle, don’t spank for minor offenses or mistakes. Instead, spanking should be reserved for rebellion and major offenses.
6.) Be consistent – If you say something is a spanking offense, and your child does it anyway, then spank them! Failure to do so will only cause the behavior to continue, except now you’ve lost your child’s respect. This applies not only to spanking, but to every area of discipline as well. The old saying “say what you mean and mean what you say” is certainly true!
7.) Spanking should progressively decline the older a child gets – There is an age where spanking should no longer be used as a disciplinary tool. It’s different for each child, but the point where it would be humiliation instead of punishment is probably the right time. Besides, taking away electronics and/or grounding them is much more effective at these ages.
8.) Never, EVER, cross the line from spanking to abuse – Spank hard enough to get the job done (you’ll know), but never so hard that it becomes abusive. Be ever mindful that the purpose of spanking and other forms of punishment is never to break a child’s spirit, but rather to mold their will into a more Christ-like character.
9.) Talk with them, pray with them, and forgive them – Your child needs to know exactly why he/she is being spanked, that you are doing it because you love them, and, finally, that they are forgiven. God chastens us, but He still loves and forgives us.
Chastening and love go hand in hand in Scripture (Hebrews 12:6). Jesus, the ultimate Parent, chastens those He loves when they go astray. So should we be with our own children. So many parents want to be the “good guy,” but their unwillingness to be the “bad guy” in the face of disobedience and rebellion harms their children far more in the long run.
“Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish them with the rod, they will not die. Punish them with the rod and save them from death.” Proverbs 23:13-14 NIV
And remember, never, ever mess with Granny!
Good for you for addressing this DIFFICULT topic. I’ve brought it up in passing in articles before and generally get “burned at the stake” from those who misunderstand God’s intent for “the rod” and assume the moment I spank my child it is horrendous abuse. Excellent, gentle approach and I applaud you for taking this stand.
Thanks, Barry!! Same to you as well and more… the bigger the audience, the higher the chances the message will reach unhearing hears. 🙂
we definitely feel this is an important stand to make!
You people have no clue how to parent. If you do it right, you are mostly a coach towards you child. They get excited by your love and the cool things you suggest. My daughter initially had autism and it was a huge struggle.. none the less I never hit her and yelled at her once. I was very patient and looked for every reason in the world to get excited about good behavior. I know I was so gang ho because my parents abused me.
She is really the happiest very well mannered child right now. I took her to a meeting and the doctor said they must love her in preschool.
I am really sorry that you unable to devise a creative way to nature your children and coach them about life lessons. I feel any parent who resorts to spanking or beating their child has failed as a parent. As a person that I was treated for trauma in my own childhood for abuse stated.. when you tap you child once on the bottom for crossing the busy road it is love.. after that it is purely an expression of the parents anger…
By the way if you lived in most other countries in the world you behavior would be illegal.. and yes their prison populations are much lower than ours.
I hope you realize that you have the opportunity to totally work with your child in a positive manner. After all.. they pretty much learned everything from you.
My father used to pull down my brothers and my own pants and underwear and beat us bear bottom with a belt so many times i disassociated. We all ended up depressed, two of us disassociate frequently due to the beatings, and the other brother has seriously contemplated suicide six times.
on the contrary my five year old wakes up excited every day.. and is so happy. we enforce things like sharing by just not letting her play with her toys. she quickly learned she needed to share. I feel it is so simple.. maybe because the autism was so challenging at the beginning.
I really urge everyone to realize that you can make parenting fun. In my evening prayers I pray that no other child goes through what I do now. Waking up most nights in night terrors screaming because my dad is beating my brothers.
Please don’t do that to your child.
an add on from my previous statement.. How would you feel if your child was a genius.. yet had to read a paragraph several times to get the point because he disassociated so much. That is what happens to both my older brother and I. Do you know how hard it is on your husband and child when you wake up a couple times a night screaming in terror begging you father to stop hitting your brothers,, the brother that had welts on their bare bottoms.
I juist want people to realize how much they can hurt their child – they can give them a sense of worthlessness, low self esteem, make them feel like they don’t deserve anything good in life.
Please love your kids.. you are not only giving a gift to them, but also yourself.
That was an excellent article, Scott. I realized the need to spank my children several times during their formative years, as I was also spanked during mine, and I can truly say it helped all of us grow in the right direction.
Thanks, Marty! 🙂
I just came across your blog from your post on “Stacy Makes Cents’ about easier kitchen cleaning tips (thanks for those by the way). I saw this article in your banner and I have to say THANK YOU for writing this. I am part of a Facebook group of “Christian” mothers and many of them not only do NOT spank but thoroughly and adamantly believe the Bible does not even teach spanking. This is frustrating enough to me then add on top of that how many of them then talk about how their toddler is a terror and hitting, throwing, screaming and they just “don’t know what to do with them!” I just sit at home doing one big *face palm*. Again, thank you SO much for actually believing what the Bible says at face value and not trying to correct it (like I’ve seen some articles do that is just disgusting). Kudos to you for writing about a highly controversial subject. Kids today are WAY out of control and I’m getting tired when Christian parents complain about how their kids are terror but deny the obvious truths the Bible teaches us.
Thank you, Felicia – your words of encouragement are very much appreciated!! You are so right. God’s way is always the best way, regardless of what the world may think.
This is very close to how my mom and dad disciplined us kids. Spankings were given with a belt on the bare butt, and it always went along with an explanation as to why what we did was wrong and how to avoid repeating the bad conduct that had earned the spanking. All of us love and revere our parents for how we were raised.
Amen – us too! 🙂
A belt on a bare bottom? That is horrible!! Child abuse. Disgusting!
It hurt,as it was intended to, but why would you say it’s child abuse?
Parents who spank, take a few moments to ask yourself:
1) Would your child ever accept a spanking from an adult other than you or your spouse?
2) Have you told your child in no uncertain terms that it’s never OK for another adult besides Mom or Dad to spank him or her—no matter how badly he or she has misbehaved?
3) Have you warned your child that some adults may have bad reasons for wanting to spank him or her?
For illustration of how important these questions can potentially be, please read and reflect on the following:
Jefferson County, Colorado
Administration and Courts Facility
100 Jefferson County Parkway
Golden, Colorado 80419
303-279-6511
For Immediate Release – Apr 4, 2008
Contact: Pam Russell
DA Public Information
303-271-6905
Re: Michael DiPalma Sentenced
DiPalma
Michael David DiPalma appeared today in Jefferson County Court and was sentenced to Intensive Supervision Sex Offender Probation for a period of ten years to life and two years in the county jail. The 33-year-old former day camp teacher pled guilty on January 25 to Sexual Assault of a Child, a class four felony.
Michael DiPalma, who now lives in Centennial, worked at a Lakewood recreation center teaching Elementary Engineering Using Lego and Elementary Robotics Using Lego in July 2006. One of the students, an 8-year-old boy, was singled out by DiPalma. The boy was given a sticky note and told to make a checkmark on it every time he didn’t follow DiPalma’s instructions. The boy was told he would receive a spanking for each check mark. On July 27, 2006, when the other children were on lunch break, DiPalma lured the boy to his car and put him into the back seat. DiPalma then drove to the parking lot of a nearby apartment complex then climbed into the back seat with the boy. He put the boy on his lap, pulled down his pants and spanked him 20 times on his bare buttocks. The spanking left marks and DiPalma told him not to tell or that he would go to the boy’s house and spank him harder. When the boy’s mother picked him up at the end of the day, he told her what had happened. The family reported the incident to the Lakewood Police Department.
DiPalma’s case went trial in September, 2006 but the jurors were unable to reach a unanimous verdict.
The jury heard evidence that in May 2006 DiPalma had worked for a company called “Computer Tots’, teaching an after-school class at Steck Elementary School in Denver. In that class he asked the second graders to vote on which of them should be spanked. He spanked at least two 7-year-olds before his employment at Steck Elementary was terminated.
Court records also indicate that DiPalma had been accused of unlawful sexual contact of a child, kidnapping, and false imprisonment in 1999 in New Mexico. The boy and girl who were named as victims in that case were 10-year-olds and they did not know DiPalma. He was given a deferred judgment and probation.
DiPalma was remanded to the custody of the Sheriff following the sentencing. He will be required to register as a sex offender.
Good points – thanks for the comment!
My husband and I do not have any children yet but are hoping to have a baby soon. We have talked about so many things from baby names to types of baby food to types of discipline. We both believe that spanking is an effective method when done properly and lovingly. My older sister on the other hand, has a one year old and is constantly telling me how spanking is abusive and violent and causes children to grow up to be violent. Which I find to be ironic because we were spanked as children and we are not violent… Sometimes I’m afraid that she’ll think I am a mean mother when we have kids. 🙁 Thanks for writing this article. It is so good to hear something on the matter that has so much truth to it!
You’re welcome – thanks for your kind words! Often, especially with little kids, spanking (properly & lovingly administered, of course!) can be the difference between being ‘in charge’ of your children and letting your children be in charge of you. I would ask any naysayers why God would instruct parents to do something that would clearly make them violate His other commandments. Of course, as you say, from experience we know that isn’t true. It’s just liberal propaganda, nothing more.
Hitting with an object is NOT a good idea! This greatly increases the risk of injury, and studies show that parents who use objects are much more likely to abuse their kids. I was hit with an object as a result of this faulty Christian advice, and I grew up with many emotional problems. Yes, it was done in a so called “loving” way (how do you hit someone out of love?) You have no idea the amount of suffering this kind of advice has caused me! Shame on you! By the way, there are plenty of rod verses about adults, but no one ever quotes them do they? Why is that? Because you don’t want to be hit yourself when you mess up? And many of the rod verses actually refer to teenage young men, not young children. I believe that it is OBVIOUS that the rod verses are figurative! He even says in one verse about using the rod on us! But he obviously does not mean literally! I wish I had never been born!!! I was miserable being hit as a child and I still wish I was dead to this day!! Thanks a lot uneducated Christians giving irresponsible, harmful advice!
Proverbs 23:13-14 is far from figurative! And I revere my parents for the discipline they gave me and my brothers and sisters–including the spankings.
I don’t agree. For one, there are SO MANY references with the term “rod” and even a few mentioning adults who are fools, and even God himself coming at us with a rod-so you mean to tell me that God actually hit the people with a rod? and many of the rod verses that people think reference little children, actually reference young adult males in the original Hebrew. I am glad that you were fine being hit as a child, but I was/am not, and honestly, it has driven me, my siblings, and many other people I know away from God and Christianity. In fact, it has lead to depression and anxiety so severe for me that I consider suicide every day. It really does harm many kids. Ask any psychologists, almost all will have clients who suffered emotional trauma from this. I even ended up in the hospital with emotional distress as a child, and didn’t grow or gain weight normally ( I had too severe stomach pain from fear of being hit to eat or sleep normally) and because of that the doctor’s thought that I was really sick and had cancer, which caused me even more disastrous emotional distress (my grandma had died of cancer and I knew how bad it was). I wish Christians would count children as people! If hitting people is wrong, why do you hit children??
Hi Sara – thanks for your comment. I’m so sorry for what you had to endure, but clearly it seems extreme and beyond the bounds of the corporal punishment that Christian (and other) parents have practiced for thousands of years. Did you read the entire article? Abuse is distinct from ‘spanking’ and is always wrong. We would agree that if a parent is going to do it incorrectly or lose their temper it is best not to do it at all, but we are just arguing that corporal punishment is sanctioned by the Bible and has its (limited) place in the proper, Christian raising of children.
I don’t think Sara gave much information about the spankings she received for us to judge them as extreme. It’s possible they were all well within the established bounds of severity for parental corporal punishment through the ages (not that there’s really that solid a consensus over where the line is between acceptable and abusive spanking).
Sara, can you clarify what physical punishment for you and your siblings consisted of?
Sara, I am so sorry for what you went through under the guise of being Christian discipline. Please know that God loves and cherishes you and He never intended for that to happen to you. Please seek Him for healing. You can ask Him to remove the bad memories and He will. I know, I was in an abusive marriage and God completely removed the bad memories. You have to forgive your parents though, the unforgiveness gives the enemy access to your life, that is why you are depressed and suicidal. Please look up http://www.HardcoreChristianity.com. He is very knowledgeable about childhood emotional injury and can help you move passed it. Prayers sent for you.
What about the clothing issue? I was always spanked naked (if we were at home) with a belt as a child. When I asked my father why he said it was to make it fair and equal. If all your clothing is off it hurts the same for each child. So I always spank my kids naked as well. Do you feel this is OK with the bible?
Julie, as a sociology major, I would like to inform you that violent crime, teen pregnancy, drug use, and overall crime has actually gone significantly down, especially among youth. It is our society that perceives that it has gone up. The media doesn’t help. To this day, 94 percent of children are spanked anyways. This number has been virtually unchanged for decades. Parents who hit children are much more likely to end up injuring their children than parents who use alternatives that research shows works just as well as hitting, but without bad effects. The bad effects that I suffered from Christian corporal punishment were Ptsd, depression, and anxiety. Please have some compassion for children.
As for your question about it being ok to hit a naked child, that is absolutely not ok. I hate to tell people that I experienced corporal punishment as sexual abuse, but to me as a child, even as young as six, caused sexual disturbance in me. I even remember my mom asking me if it did. I felt very violated, and I am not the only one who experienced this from having their buttocks struck. And I wasn’t even naked during the corporal punishment.
I see no reason to make a point of spanking a child totally naked. The way I was raised and the way my son was raised is that pants and underpants come down or off for the spanking, so the kid is only naked if they were shirtless and sockless to begin with. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Some people with adjustment problems get suckered by therapists into blaming parents or discipline for them, but those explanations are usually for the birds!
No therapist suckered me into anything. Of course Christians will never believe anything that contradicts their views, no matter how much evidence you give them. It’s too bad you don’t have the parenting skills to teach your kid morals without hitting. Yet I bet you get mad if your kids can’t solve problems without violence either, figures.
I haven’t always been a Christian. I believed in spanking before I became a Christian, and if I were to conclude Christianity were wrong one day, I would still believe in spanking. Nice assumption though! 🙂
So? What’s your point? Most people believe in spanking regardless of religion. The fact is extensive research has been done on the subject, and harmful effects have been found in almost every study. Regardless, people will rush out to defend violence towards children. It’s the way our society is. People don’t consider children to be full human beings.
I also think it’s sad that people are more outraged about hitting a pet dog or cat than they are about a child being hit. Most dogs and cats actually have more legal protection from this than children do. Hitting a dog with a belt will get you arrested for animal cruelty in most states. So children are below pets in this society..
I see nothing wrong with spanking kids naked. It makes more of an impression – I know it did to me when I was little. While I undress them we discuss what they did wrong and a better choice they could have made. The belt definitely hurts more when they’re naked, so you need to take it easier. I wouldn’t do this to a kid after puberty but it works well when they’re little.
Sounds like a good way to teach kids not to resist a molester. They should know that removing their clothes by an adult is wrong unless its for a bath or change of clothes. This can lead to them not protesting an adult who tries to molest them. One out of three children are sexually abused and most therapists would agree that removing their clothes for this purpose is inappropriate. I mean seriously why would it be a good idea for a child to expose their private parts to be hit? You sound like a sick person and I am probably going to screen shot this and take it to the police. That’s seriously creepy as hell.
Hitting naked kids. Horrible and disgusting unless, of course your sole purpose is to cause pain, then I guess, good job you should be proud. Vile.
Why wouldn’t you just pull down their underpants? Worked for us.
Thank you for this article. I believe that much of what is wrong with today’s young people can be traced to the fact that many children no longer fear getting a whipping when they misbehave. I see incredible disrespect, bad language, and vandalism from many young people. We don’t do them a favor by not disciplining them. When I was young, my mother would use a switch if we misbehaved. I had to accompany several times out to the willow tree out in back of our house to help pick a switch when I talked back to her or got into trouble. She would explain what I had done wrong and than once we were back in the house I would have to pull down my pants and get a whipping with that willow. Those lickings left a lasting impression on me. They kept me in line most of the time. Its unfortunate this has fallen out of fashion, I think it would fix much of what is wrong today with young people.
So violence is a good way to treat a young child? You know that research clearly shows that hitting leads to worse behavior in the long run, increased aggression, and you are basically saying that violence against small children is ok. Children who receive corporal punishment get in more trouble with the law, not less. You obviously are not educated in child development. Oh and the whole “what’s wrong with young people” argument, you know 94 percent of kids are still hit to this day. And every generation says that. Would you advocate hitting a dog with a switch when it misbehaves?
Oh my goodness these comments are horrible. Just the thought of all of these children being hit, some even saying to pull their pants down. Disgusting!!!! What I don’t understand is everyone’s comments about undisciplined kids these days- why does spanking have to be the only way? Do you think that children who are not spanked are not disciplined just because parents take a more peaceful approach? And why would I want my child to fear me or to be afraid to make a mistake? Seriously children are learning and exploring and they are not always going to make the right choices but that is no reason to hit them. I can only imagine if my boss or husband or a friend hit me because I made a mistake. Does it also say in the Bible that this rod had to be used for hitting! Maybe the rod is referring to guidance. We can guide and teach without inflicting pain! Did you ever stop to think that all of these “undisciplined, unruly, disrespectful children” were probably spanked by their parents. Maybe the reason parents who spank say it hurts them more than the child is because of the yucky feeling spanking leaves them with. Maybe that’s God talking to them telling them to stop hitting their children.
Spanking your child is not a pleasant duty but it is not one I have ever felt guilty about. My son is 19 now and knows all the spankings and other punishments were given in a spirit of loving correction.
Sara, spanking in a Christian home should be done with love, respect, and calmness. I show my children verses in the bible about what God says about spanking. IT’s not done in anger but to drive the foolishness from them and rescue them from an eternity in hell. God has put parents in authority over their children and if they never learn to submit to mom and dad’s authority they will not submit to God’s authority either. To train a child to obey is a huge responsibility and this is not a Christian’s opinion, this is God’s word. If you have no interest in the bible or scripture or obeying the Lord then obviously you will see this issue vastly different.
Spanking is not violent. Abuse is. Spanking is done by telling the child what they did wrong, why they need to be punished and the purpose is so they don’t do it again. Other methods just aren’t as effective because it’s human wisdom trying to do figure out what to do, so parents try time out & other such attempts at getting control, but honestly nothing has quite the same affect as a quick swat to the bottom. Then there is forgiveness & reconciliation right away. Hitting is done irrationally, when a parent is out of control and had it with their kid. They are impatient, feel helpless & want to bring pain to their kids. This is wrong!
Spanking is thought out, not done in a moment of rage & the child is not afraid or helpless but understands their sin brought about punishment that must be dealt with. I don’t know if this clears anything up, and I am sure you will disagree, but I wanted to you to understand where some parents are coming from.
Personally I wouldn’t ever spank my kids naked, the point is not to shame them but to correct their behavior so one day they turn from their sin and wanting their own way & trust in the Lord and his death on the cross for their payment of sin.
God draws us to Him and out of our sin through His love. John 3:16? He does not draw us to Himself through pain and punishment.
There are so much better ways to reach children and show them what they have done wrong and why God says it’s wrong that do not require pain and punishment. What if when you or your husband went to work and every time you or he messed up, the boss would bring you to his office and hit you ? Seriously? Kids can understand things from being taught and not hit. So sad that people think the only way to teach their children anything is through pain and punishment.
There are times when some degree of punishment is part of His love. It’s not punishment out of anger or “wrath”; it’s more like God saying “Are you serious? You can do better than this.” Perhaps I’m the only one who has felt this kind of punishment, which I believe was from God, as an attention-getter. It’s not an expression of hatred, but I did feel chastised and it led me to repent of some things.
I am sorry spanking is such a controversial subject. My kids have grown up, but when they were younger we did use spanking in our household for very bad behavior. It was not used frequently, but my husband and I always kept it on the table as a consequence because we felt the fact that it was there was a sort of deterrent to bad behavior. When my sons were younger, I usually spanked with a ruler or a switch from a tree outside. I don’t believe in stripping a child naked to be spanked. However, I did spank them in their underpants because over blue jeans is not likely to be very effective. When I had to do it, I usually did it in the living room as an example to my other kids.