Of seven different in-depth marital studies of a total of 677 couples spanning over 40 years, Dr. John Gottman was able to successfully predict divorces in six of them, one even at the astounding accuracy of 93.6 percent.
During the studies, he and his team managed to identify certain interactions and behavior patterns that weaken marriages and leave couples vulnerable to eventual divorce.
According to Dr. Gottman, these behaviors are the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Practicing these on a regular basis with your spouse is bad news, at least if you want your marriage to last.
The good news, however, is that by identifying and modifying these behaviors couples can turn seemingly hopeless marriages around entirely, creating happiness and contentment where little existed before. It takes work and “want to,” to be sure, but it can be done.
Here are the behaviors, and what I believe it takes to turn them around.
We spend the majority of our time with our spouse, so when that majority of time is spent in a near-constant state of being criticized, it’s no wonder so many eventually want out. We’re all fallible humans, but those of us who are married get to see one fallible human up close and personal, warts and all, every single day. The temptation to want to “fix” what’s ailing our spouse can often be overwhelming, that is until we start to take Jesus’s advice and look at the giant “logs” in our own lives.
Solution: Instead of being critical of your spouse, prayerfully focus on improving the only thing you can actually change: yourself. Without telling your spouse what you are doing, go through a day, just one day, of not saying anything negative about your spouse. Instead, offer praise, encouragement, and love. Then do it for another, and another… until it becomes a part of you. When an issue does need to be addressed, do it carefully with tenderness, respect, and a loving, gracious attitude. The amazing thing is, when you find and release the uncritical spirit in yourself it will likely, over time, lead to similar behavior in your spouse.
Nobody enjoys marital conflict, but it’s inevitable and unavoidable, unless you both suppress your true feelings from each other when issues come up (which I don’t recommend!). In the sense of keeping a “short account” with your spouse and maintaining a spirit of communication that openly shares when you or your significant other have managed to step on one another’s toes, conflict can actually be a good thing. However, when “attacked,” it’s easy to want to dig in and get defensive rather than acknowledging and addressing the actual grievance.
Solution: Learn to “fight fair.” Recognize that when your spouse is telling you about an issue, even arguing with you, it is a sign that he/she actually cares about your marriage and about you. Instead of getting defensive, open up and acknowledge where you have messed up. Even if the words are said in anger, respond with meekness and gentleness so things don’t escalate. You will find your spouse responding in kind.
Whether in our own relationships or in observing the relationships of others, we’ve all seen the telltale signs of contempt – the eye rolling, the sardonic sighs, the name-calling, the mimicking, the downward head-shaking that goes far beyond mere temporary dissatisfaction with another person that will change when circumstances do. In fact, actual contempt toward a spouse reflects much more than mere disapproval of certain actions or behaviors, but rather a “raised white-flag” that signals, “Yes, unfortunately, this is who I’m married to. He/she will never change. I can’t stand it.” And finally… “Is there a way out of having to see this horrible person every day?” In fact, according to Gottman’s research, the visible signs of contempt are the single greatest divorce predictor.
Solution: Recognize contempt not just in your spouse, but in yourself, when it rears its ugly head. Respectfully discuss the actions and attitudes that lead to contempt being felt and expressed. Focus first on self-improvement in the areas that cause resentment in your spouse and it will likely lead to your spouse doing the same. As far as prevention, constant communication is the key. Partners in a marriage should periodically discuss the “state of their marriage” together and nip things in the bud before they become large issues worthy of contempt on either side.
Stonewalling occurs when one or the other partner “shuts down,” and refuses to interact with or respond to the other. If you are being stonewalled, your spouse isn’t even interested enough in you or the issue you’re discussing to show contempt. This is NOT where any of us want to be. When stonewalling is practiced on a regular basis, often this means the marriage is on its last legs and divorce is just around the corner.
Solution: The best solution to stonewalling is to never let it get there in the first place. Make a promise to your spouse that you will always work to resolve issues. Ephesians 4:26 says, “…do not let the sun go down on your anger.” If you can’t settle a dispute before nightfall, express your love for each other and resolve to discuss it in the fresh light of a new day.
Recognizing and avoiding these “four horsemen” will go a long ways toward ensuring your marriage stays happy, healthy, and fulfilling for both you and your spouse.
This article originally appeared on TheBlaze.
"The good news, however, is that by identifying and modifying these behaviors couples can turn seemingly hopeless…
Posted by TheBlaze on Saturday, February 20, 2016
Anything worth having in this world takes work.
We work to get better at our careers so we can make a living; to keep our bodies in shape to stay healthy; to fulfill our own desires and interests through our hobbies. We work around the house to keep it clean and presentable. We even work at our play, to compete in whatever sport we choose at a higher level than yesterday.
So many people, however, seem to take for granted one of the most precious gifts God has given us: Something as important and foundational as marriage, the bedrock of civilization itself, also takes work.
Progressives have certainly taken advantage.
We live in a society where marriage is cheap, not just because a majority of Americans have chosen to reject God’s original blueprint (one man, one woman) altogether, but also because we’ve made divorce as easy as a piece of paper.
It’s no surprise, really, that the concept of “no fault” divorce, one which can be granted at the request of either party and doesn’t require any showing of wrongdoing, started in Russia just after the Bolshevik Revolution. Its purpose was to, at every level, completely revolutionize society.
Well, mission accomplished.
According to Nikolai Krylenko, a chief architect of the Soviet law, “Free love is the ultimate aim of a socialist State; in that State marriage will be free from any kind of obligation, including economic, and will turn into an absolutely free union of two beings.”
Other countries, including the United States starting in California from 1969 onward, began instituting similar laws. In the span of just a few years, divorce has gone all the way from a civil action where one of the parties in a marriage had to actually be at fault to the altogether opposite extreme. There’s no bother, no stigma and, unless there are kids involved, little baggage.
And so divorce becomes an “easy” solution to an “unhappy” marriage, much easier than actually putting in the effort it takes to make a marriage work. Happiness is, after all, just like love, a choice we make.
Progressives from the Bolsheviks onward have marginalized, attacked, and now have managed to redefine the institution of marriage until it has become little more than a mutually beneficial contract between two people. If one person doesn’t deem it beneficial, why the solution is simple, right?
It’s up to conservatives, particularly Christian conservatives, to not just protest loudly, but to lead by example, and to put in the WORK it takes to be a light that shines to the world on the issue of marriage.
Conventional wisdom has for years maintained that the overall divorce rate, Christians included, is 50 percent, thus relegating Christians to the unenviable position as hypocrites on one of the most important issues of our time. But the news isn’t as bad as all that.
According to Harvard-trained researcher Shaunti Feldhahn, whose books “The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages” and “The Good News About Marriage” have shattered conventional wisdom about Christian marriage and divorce, the overall divorce rate in the United States is around 31 percent. For those who regularly attend church, however, the rate drops to 15 to 20 percent!
The rub here is that “nominal Christians,” or those who consider themselves Christians but aren’t actively engaged with the faith, are actually 20 percent more likely to get divorced than the general population.
Perhaps the lesson here is that working on our relationships with God is truly the first step toward working on our marriages. According to Feldhahn’s research, 53 percent of couples who consider themselves “happy” also consider God to be at the center of their marriage. Might one be directly tied to the other?
Marriage isn’t just a piece of paper the State gives us to approve our mutually agreed-upon contract with another human being. Rather, it is a holy, sanctified, Godly institution designed not just to bring future generations into the world, although that is certainly critical, but also to facilitate our happiness as we celebrate each other and a God who loves us and is at the center of our unions.
It takes work – a lot of it – but isn’t that the case with anything worth having?
This article originally appeared on TheBlaze.
]]>Guess what – your kids are wanted! Good news, right? It’s always nice to be wanted.
Republican elites want your kids – to be worker bees in the American economic machine. Hey, at least they’d be working! But, Democrats want them too – as dependent voters to expand their power base. Sure, they’ll get lots of free stuff, but is anything really free?
Ultimately, regardless of who’s in control, the government really, really, really wants your kids. With few exceptions, governments have always been like that. It’s no surprise that Adolph Hitler once said, “He alone, who owns the youth, gains the future.”
Republicans, Democrats and governments don’t have your kids’ best interest at heart. Nobody does, except their parents. That’s one reason why God’s original plan, for mothers and fathers to raise their own children, has worked so well for millennia. But, for reasons beyond the scope of this article, society wants to toss all that out like a can of expired tuna.
Consequently, these days government and society have managed to make good parenting by actual parents more and more difficult. Oh, parents may still live with their kids, maybe have a catch or eat a bagged fast food dinner in front of the TV “together” once in a while, but the real influence is no longer being wielded by most parents.
No, the real influence lies with popular culture, public education, the media, government … you name it. The kids do inevitably grow up, biologically at least. They are “raised” by someone, just not the people who love them the most. Then they go out into the real world and begin the cycle again with their own children. If you think young people can’t think for themselves now, just wait a generation or two!
So, in a world where everything is seemingly stacked against parents who want to raise their children with discipline, integrity, values, and a faith-based worldview, how can parents even begin to turn the tide? Here are a few good places to start.
Read the rest over at TheBlaze!
]]>Imagine a scenario where you and your wife are suddenly woken in the middle of the night by broken glass and hard footsteps. As you burst out of bed, you hear unrecognizable muffled voices across the hall. You grab your shotgun and leave the bedroom to find four masked men inside your home. Scared out of your wits, you fire, wounding two and sending them all packing.
Scary scenario, right? Hang on, it gets scarier.
When the commotion dies down and the police arrive to take a report, instead of being lauded as heroes for protecting your home and hearth, you and your wife are placed in handcuffs and carted off to jail.
Would this bother you? It should!
Click here to read the rest!
]]>My second article as a contributor to The Blaze is about an important but controversial subject.
Do you spank your kids?
On second thought, don’t answer that question, especially if you live in Michigan, where a mom faces prison (yes, actual prison) for disciplining one of her children with a wooden paddle; or Delaware, which passed the nation’s first “anti-spanking law” in 2012 by redefining child abuse laws to include any act that causes “pain.”
Now “pain” has a pretty broad meaning, particularly when you’re bringing lawyers into the picture. Does Jimmy feel “pain” when he’s grounded from electronics and suffers the indignity of actually having to make his own entertainment?
Does little Suzy experience “pain” when mom and dad make her eat something that’s good for her but that she doesn’t really want to eat, like brussel sprouts?
Do hurt feelings, or a bruised ego, count as “pain?”
Granted, none of those things are exactly what we’re talking about. What we ARE talking about, of course, are good ole’ fashioned butt whoopings, the kind most of us over the age of 35 experienced on a pretty regular basis back in the day.
And being prosecuted, regardless of the legality or illegality of “spanking” as a practice in any given state,is a legitimate concern.
Discussions on this topic tend to reflect a fundamental ideological difference between atheistic and Christian-principled governance – who owns your kids? The way our society chooses to answer this question will determine what kind of country we live in. Will we go the direction of every totalitarian dictatorship from the Bolsheviks onward, or will we choose family and freedom over tyranny?
Read the rest here!
This article was also shared today on The Blaze’s Facebook page!
]]>